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News Philly - Home Of Angry, Ignorant People In A Hurry.


I grew up in Philly for (magic number) years and I firmly believe that just about everyone in Philly, except my personal friends, family, and 2 out of 28 neighbors, are angry ignorant and always in a hurry.

I realized this when I left Philly, even for a weekend, to another town much friendlier. You walk into a store or down a street and up a block in any other town and the people aren't really in a hurry to get anywhere. t move at a snails pace sometimes, but they're not inducing road rage and stress to the point you want to hit someone with a brick.

They're not rushing everywhere. They're not speeding up to red lights. They're just having a good ol time, enjoying themselves. The people don't stare at you like you've got three legs (huahuehuahue), but they do something really strange and bizarre to Philly folks - they say "hi" or perhaps even "have a good day" or throw in a little "how's it going" - totally unlike us Philly folk. We just stare at people and wish we could say "hi" without the fear of a strange look or a kick to the kneecap.

You might catch a Philly resident holding a door for someone, but really - they don't want to, they're in too much of a hurry to get outside the store and light a cancer stick. Not even out the door and they're already smoking. Pathetic. No one really wants to hold that door for you. Ever. But they secretly do, but at the same time, they have to portray the Philly mannerism of acting like its a problem to be nice.

Then you've got the ignorant people who spent the last 20 years sucking down soft pretzels, cheese steaks (Pats and Genos suck) and they violate every aspect of personal space and respect in supermarkets. I see you on one side, your full cart turned sideways on the other side, and you're in EVERYONE'S way. Treat this like a road and imagine that the aisle in Acme has a solid line down the center and stay in your lane. You're literally blocking everyone's path to the last box of Ellio's pepperoni pizza and now everyone is angry with you.

And god forbid you say "EXCUSE ME" to the behemoth road block in aisle 9 - they look at you weird like YOU'RE THE PROBLEM? I'm sorry, which part of my much smaller frame and hand basket is blocking the entire store? None. So wobble yourself over and electric slide that cart out of my way. I don't even say excuse me anymore. I move people's carts myself. I don't care if your purse or wallet or 3 year old is in the cart. If it's blocking everyone from the aisle, then I will move it for you. And next time you won't block everyone. You're not the only one who needs cat food.

How about the girls who have conversations on their phone and walk a snails pace across the street during a green light? Why is it not legal to nip them a bit with the bumper? I know I'm not in a hurry, but I don't need to sit here until the light turns red because you're too stupid to look to the left and see you're now walking through traffic. I see a giant HAND on the street light telling you to stop. But you just keep on walking and talking on that Cricket phone because you're so important and you're not even talking about anything smart. I want to install a horn so loud that when pointed right at a phone user blocking the street that it makes the person on the other end of their call go deaf for three days.

And why the heck are you screaming into your phone? Don't you know that every phone has a built in microphone that amplifies your voice for the other person? You can whisper and they will hear your stupid voice.

Kinda like the idiot man in every super market talking business really loud. We all know there's no one on that phone, you wear size small underwear with a sock in it, and you drive a big truck. You're over compensating. No one cares about your fake business. The only person good at talking to no one on the phone is girls with fake boyfriends on the school bus and Tom Green who fired Bob for mixing up Geneva and Helsinki. Do you think some lady buying cucumbers is going to think about you later that night or brag about you to her friends? No. She hates you.

My message to everyone in Philly:

Slow down. Smile once in a while. Andy Reid was gone last year, so no one really needs to be mad anymore. Be more nice. Don't block the aisles in stores or the street while you're talking on your phone. And stop being so loud when you're on the phone or next to each other.

I want everyone to take a trip outside of Philly. Drive south and see how nice everyone is. Then bring that niceness back to Philly.
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